CHAPTER 27

Henry V: An Ideal King

On the death of Henry IV Part II, his son, Prince Hal, who had won all English hearts by his youthful pranks – (such as trying on the crown while his father lay dying, and hitting a very old man called Judge Gascoigne) determined to justify public expectation by becoming the Ideal English King. He therefore decided on an immediate appearance in the Hundred Years' War, – making a declaration that all the treaties with France were to be regarded as dull and void.

Conditions in France were favourable to Henry since the French King, being mad, had entrusted the government of the country to a dolphin and the command of the army to an elderly constable. After capturing some breeches at Harfieur (more than once) by the original expedients of disguising his friends as imitation tigers, stiffening their sinews, etc., Henry was held up on the road to Calais by the constable, whom he defeated at the utterably memorable battle of AGINCOURT (French POICTIERS). He then displaced the dolphin as ruler of Anjou, Menjou, Poilou, Maine, Touraine, Againe, and Againe, and realizing that he was now too famous to live long expired at the ideal moment.

CHAPTER 28

Henry VI: A Very Small King

Illustration: A Weak King

The next King, Henry VI, was only one year old and was thus rather a Weak King; indeed the Barons declared that he was quite numb and vague. When he grew up, however, he was such a Good Man that he was considered a Saint, or alternatively (especially by the Barons) an imbecile.

Joan of Ark

During this reign the Hundred Years' War was brought to an end by Joan of Ark, a French descendant of Noah who after hearing Angel voices singing Do Re Mi became inspired, thus unfairly defeating the English in several battles. Indeed, she might even have made France top nation if the Church had not decided that she would make an exceptionally memorable martyr. Thus Joan of Ark was a Good Thing in the end and is now the only memorable French saint.

The Wars of the Roses

Noticing suddenly that the Middle Ages were coming to an end, the Barons now made a stupendous effort to revive the old Feudal amenities of Sackage, Carnage, and Wreckage and so stave off the Tudors for a time. They achieved this by a very clever plan, known as the Wars of the Roses (because the Barons all picked different coloured roses in order to see which side they were on).

Warwick the Kingmaker

One of the rules in the Wars of the Roses was that nobody was ever really King but that Edmund Mortimer really ought to be: any Baron who wished to be considered King was allowed to apply at Warwick the Kingmaker's, where he was made to fill up a form, answering the following questions:

1. Are you a good plain crook ?

2. Are you Edmund Mortimer ? If not, have you got him ?

3. Have you ever been King before ? If so, state how many times; also whether deposed, beheaded, or died of surfeit.

4. Are you insane ? If so, state whether permanently or only temporarily.

5. Are you prepared to marry Margaret of Angoulme ? If Isabella of Hainault preferred, give reasons. (Candidates are advised not to attempt both ladies.)

6. Have you had the Black Death ?

7. What have you done with your mother ? (If Nun, write None.)

8. Do you intend to be

I  (a) a Good King.

  (b) a Bad King,

  (c) a Weak King.

II  (a) a Good Man.

  (b) a Bad Man. (Candidates must not attempt more than one in each section.)

9. How do you propose to die? (Write your answer in BLOCK CAPITALS.)

CHAPTER 29

Cause of the Tudors

During the Wars of the Roses the Kings became less and less memorable (sometimes even getting in the wrong order) until at last one of them was nothing but some little princes smothered in the Tower, and another, finding that his name was Clarence, had himself drowned in a spot of Malmsey wine; while the last of all even attempted to give his Kingdom to a horse. It was therefore decided, since the Stuarts were not ready yet, to have some Welsh Kings called Tudors (on account of their descent from Owen Glendower) who, it was hoped, would be more memorable.

Illustration: Finding that his name was Clarence

The first of these Welsh Kings was Henry VII, who defeated all other Kings at the Battle of Boswell Field and took away their roses. After the battle the crown was found hanging up in a hawthorn tree on top of a hill. This is memorable as being the only occasion on which the crown has been found after a battle hanging up in a hawthorn tree on top of a hill.

Henry VII's Statecraft

Henry VII was a miser and very good at statecraft; he invented some extremely clever policies such as the one called Morton's Fork. This was an enormous prong with which his minister Morton visited the rich citizens (or burghlers as they were called). If the citizen said he was poor, Morton drove his Fork in a certain distance and promised not to take it out until the citizen paid a large sum of money to the King. As soon as this was forthcoming Morton dismissed him, at the same time shouting 'Fork Out' so that Henry would know the statecraft had been successful. If the burghler said he was quite rich Morton did the same thing: it was thus a very clever policy and always succeeded except when Morton put the Fork in too far.

Illustration: A certain distance